Someone posted a tweet on Facebook that really ignited so much in me to share. Writing is a part of my healing process. Sometimes when see, read, hear, smell or feel certain things, it allows me to tie up loose ends and sew up open wounds. This is the purpose of the Intuitive Writing Course. To help people heal, express, and so much more.
When I sit back and look at some of the things I endured or even when I say them out loud, my current self can't help but cry. They are tears of joy because the woman I am today healed the woman I was over a year ago. The woman I am today is so happy we made it because we almost didn't.
Your Friendly Shadow
When I deny my shadow and stay focused on "Love and Light" exclusively, I usually endure the most pain. There were times in my life where people were in my life, in my home, in my energy, openly disrespecting and hurting me. Me trying to be a "better person" and looking for understanding in them drove me to a point of extreme depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I kept looking for the silver lining and how to relate. They kept telling me I wasn't supportive of them, didn't understand them and like a fool, I let them continue to violate me while searching within myself for why I wasn't supportive or why I couldn't seem to understand them.
Meanwhile, my spirit was throwing me all the signs that something was wrong. I couldn't focus or concentrate. My monitors at work would look like the old TVs when they were on the wrong channel. I could not sleep. I stopped going out and all I could do was continue to look at myself and ask "What is wrong with you?"
I started taking anxiety, depression, and insomnia medication. It numbed the pain, but didn't help. My spirit is strong and when my humanity is confused, it tends to come through in unexpected ways. It was throwing me proof of what was wrong. Literally giving me visions and sounds of what was really going on. I asked questions and confronted the people hurting me and they denied it. I chose to listen to the humans hurting me over my spirit.
That's when the shadow kicked in. One day I found myself being disrespected by one of the same people who had been hurting me for months. They made a very snide statement and the next thing I knew, I was bashing their head in the wall and punching them in the face.
I felt so horrible. I worked so hard on being a "good person," being a healer, and helping people that I never really gave myself the chance to define my boundaries. People took my "love and light" approach for granted. They felt that as a "healer" they could abuse me and I would just meditate about it and let it go.
Reaching out to my mentor for guidance was eye opening. She was aware of the the whole backstory so there was no need for a deep explanation. She said, "Honey, there are some things that mediations, chants, and love and light can't hold back."
At that moment I knew what she meant. As I continued to heal over the next few years it made even more sense. I needed clear solid boundaries and people in my life who respected them. I needed people in my life who could feel and respect my pain as I felt and respected theirs.
When I think about how someone could watch me deteriorate, watch how their repeated actions continued to impact my mental and emotional health without making any adjustments, I get deeply concerned. I used to get angry. Their lack of changes brought on many tears and arguments for years afterward. Today I can't cry over it. I feel pity for people who can be so empty, selfish, and hurtful to the person who loved them the most.
My spirit wanted me to leave then, but I stayed for three more years. Additional incidents occurred and my spirit and shadow showed up to expose lies and betrayal over and over again, while I was still being understanding and supportive.
To be clear, it wasn't that I didn't want to leave. I did and tried, but physical violence and intimidation were very prevalent when I tried to escape this over a decade-long experience of abuse, humiliation, disrespect, and pain. I was so quiet about my pain while helping others through their pain. Very few people had an idea of what I was going through and to this day, many "close friends" and family still don't. I felt like I had nowhere to go and that no one would understand. I had spent years trying to prove to the world how amazing this person was.
Since I have left, whether they know it or not, they continue to assure me that I made the right decision to leave. The final straw almost broke me, but I feel it revealed me and made me face how broken I was so that I could escape, heal, and grow. In hindsight, I was late for my party. My spirit had been trying to show me a way out for years, but I was too busy being too empathic to others pain and putting my own on the back burner.
Healing never ends. There is always a smell, a sight, a sound that will trigger a memory of pain or trauma that needs to be faced. Obviously forgetting about it didn't allow it to erase.
The key is to allow those emotions and let them flow. It is the only way you will grow out of your pain.
Think about how many people you know who are trapped in time. They speak of decades-old traumas as if they just happened yesterday. They sink back the pain of what happened and jump back into this reality so quickly. The next time you see this happen, ask them "How did you heal from this?"
When you can think of and speak of your past pain without feeling like you are being transported to its front porch via time machine, that is a good sign you are healing or have healed. I'm not talking about what we show people. I'm talking about what we feel deep down inside. Is there a dull ache in your heart when you start a past memory is triggered? Do your arms feel tingly? Do you feel rebroken?
Our sunshine and rain made up who we are today. It doesn't mean it has to make us who we are today. We need healing to make room for our own growth, lessons, and love. If not, we will be trapped in time, emotionally immature, and doomed to repeat the same pain. Why? Because without healing, the same situations will show up with a different cast.
As for me personally, I can't wait to take a bow on pain. With any trigger I want any issue addressed, healed and released because I don't want to be in my 60s speaking on trauma as if it is still happening to me, because I want to grow, because I want to help others, because I've never been shy about confrontation, so why not confront myself and my pain if it is going to bring me peace and happiness in the long run.
Also...You don't need the people who were involved in your trauma in your healing process. This is not necessary. You have to understand that many people are not willing to admit fault or acknowledge your pain. If you wait on others for your healing you are giving them the remote control to your life. Why would such a person deserve such power?